Pretense? Lying or Acting? Could Be Survival!,
by John Rose
Way back in the good old days, Waldo P. Avery gained passage to America by stowing away on a pirate ship, and when caught convinced the captain to give him a job rather than feed him to the sharks. The lad proved worthy of his keep and for his good work aboard the ship, the captain introduced him to a Land Pirate in America to keep his office ship shape.
This rich Godfather of a large crime family, Tony Delino, had built a very profitable business. However, he only paid Waldo a few cents a week, barely enough to exist. Waldo could not afford to buy meat, so he effected a trap in which he caught crows. The crow with the snow white skin made a handsome dish and when cooked to a golden brown, was tender and delicious.
One day Tony happened to see Waldo’s plate as he sat down to eat and asked, “Whatta you eating?” Waldo didn’t want to tell his boss he was eating crow, quickly fabricated a story, “My uncle sends me squab from the old country.” “Looksa good, what kinda squab?” Waldo with a quick reply, “None in this country, ‘White Russian Fan Tail,’ wanna bite?” “Yea, give me a slice.” Tony took the bite and smacked his mouth saying, “Delicious, how much would a bird like this cost?” “I could never afford a bird like this, sir, a gift to me, but my uncle says they sell for $50.” “A little bird like that for $50?” “Yes, sir, it’s the preferred dish of the royal family in England, and it’s illegal to sell the Fan Tail Squab to anyone but royalty. So, you see, sir, it is extremely difficult to get one out of the country. My uncle is taking a chance in shipping one to me.”
After that Tony placed fifty dollars on the table, took the entire bird from Waldo and left the room. A few days later, Tony ordered fifty birds from Waldo for a large party planned for a member of his crime family. That ‘main dish’ was complimented by everyone and one of Tony’s hard-to-please uncles asked for the name of Tony’s butcher.
A few days later, Tony ordered birds for another party and later in the week he placed a standing order for fifty birds every week. These orders grew until Waldo was filling orders for as many as 500 birds a week. He had every elderly Italian lady in the area trapping crows. Those fat city crows were good and tender.
This business went off very well until one day Tony noticed that Waldo was driving a better car than he was. Tony asked how he came by such a vehicle on his meager salary. Waldo was quick with his reply, “You see, Tony, through my Uncle Sam, I got a construction contract with the Federal Government. No, no, doesn’t take a minute away from my work here. My people do it all. I own the largest construction company in the world. We started out small, of course, but we are getting off the ground real good.”
Tony asked, “What is the name of your company?” “That is a good question. When I found out Uncle Sam needed someone, I didn’t know what to call my company and this was a rush job. So, I just took off the first letter from each of my names and had some cards printed up. I’m sure you have seen signs along the highway. You know, ‘Jobs By WPA?’ Well, that’s me. Waldo P. Avery.”
Tony smiled and winked as he left the room, “Don’t mind you moonlighting as long as you don’t get too busy to do your work and order squab for the family.”